somewhere.SAFE

#deathBEcomesHer #aSafePlace #laid2rest #MarkedSAFE

I think it's fitting that my desire to write comes the week of my Mama's birthday. My heart has begun to feel again this month, it's representative of the life she gave me. I think it's appropriate even though I am not certain when this will be published, there's an obedience in my heart that knows something has died and is living again within me. I have felt like new breath has been given to my body since the beginning of this month. I have not logged into this space to do much since right before we laid her to rest....and here I am on February 24, 2025, nine months later, flowing in my gift, remembering how she taught me how to write. I don't think either of us ever imagined I'd have my own safe space to do just that while sharing it wholeheartedly, transparently, and authentically with the world....

Yet here I am.

If you were to ask me where I've been since she's been gone, my reply would be simply this: "Somewhere SAFE." In the last year, life LIFED in a way that I would not have ever imagined. 2024 presented the death of many things necessary and the beginning of 2025 made sure that all things dead would remain that way. As I look back at last year and take in the start of this year, I can say with certainty there is safety in death's process that we often take for granted.

In life, the one thing we can be most certain of is death. Even in the human certainty of death, its process is uncertain. When a soul leaves, it also leaves behind. What you find out is who people are as well as who they are not. Death exposes heart matter that we don't often realize lies within until grief brings it out.

My process with death started before my Mama passed away. In hindsight, I should have known a major shift was coming but I was still celebrating the comfort and joy of landing my dream job. I had reached another "top" that no human could have given me and without warning, I lost it. I knew the day it happened that God had me covered and at the same time it was a struggle to stay in faith. It was a very painful, crucial moment. As soon as I felt my mind attempting to regress my faith, I went to lie down and eventually went to sleep. I didn't make any announcements, I called one of the few I could trust to pray for me, and I went to sleep. When I woke up, I felt more confident that whatever was happening was for my good even if it didn't feel good. I closed out 2023 and entered 2024 uncertain, yet safe.

The week of my Mama's 60th birthday rolled around faster than I wanted it to. Nobody knew what was going on with me short of a very close few. All I knew was my Jackie was getting beautiful roses for her birthday. There was a pressure in my heart, soul, and spirit to see her. My daughter and I showed up on February 28, 2024, to love on her. I came back alone on February 29, 2024, to sit with her, that's her real birthday after all. No roses that day, I just held her hand and talked to her. She was waiting for me, she knew I was coming. I wasn't surprised she knew. I KNEW. She took my face in her hands as I hugged her, "Yokesha Charmaine. I love you and I AM Proud of you." It wasn't the last time I saw her before she passed, but it was necessary because that was the final time she told me she was proud of me. I realize now it was the encouragement before the instruction. The next time I saw her, she told me her decision...

I knew what was before me even though I didn't want to embrace it. What I didn't know was the agreement she made with God on my behalf, to protect me. To keep me safe, even from myself. I didn't know the protection had been paid forward and afforded to me for protecting her, going back to the age of eighteen. I didn't know that in the process of making decisions for her life, she would protect me in her death. I understand now that everything I "lost" before losing her and the things I let go of after her death were designed to keep me safe. My heart, my mind, my soul. MARKED SAFE.

I have been afforded a safe place to process my grief in peace with no pressure to perform, conform, or show up more than I could. I gave myself grace and accepted that I would not, could not, and at times simply did not have the capacity I once had. For the first time in a very long while, I was allowed to be my Mama's daughter. I have not had that luxury since about the age of nine. I did not have to be the people leader. I did not have to be Big Sis. I didn't have to be a strong friend. I did not have to be a super mom. I did not have to be the Mentor. To be present for myself has been a blessing I cannot describe and one that I do not take for granted. It is a first and has evolved into a process that will not ever again come last.

The Lord promises us peace that surpasses all understanding based on His love for us. People promise a process expectation based on their unresolved turmoil, heart issues, mindsets, and life projections. The truth of the matter is that people can only meet you to the lengths that they've gone. We may not always have a choice when we experience life events. At the same time, we always have a choice in how we choose to experience life events. My Mama had been preparing me for her death all my life. This was something I realized in the days after her funeral. She was the person who showed me in action what it looked like to make uncomfortable life decisions when it was necessary, not when it was convenient. She reaffirmed this for me in her reconciliation and final resolve in death. There was no struggle, only a decision. I didn't struggle with her decision because I knew she was certain in it.

Each time I was confronted with something last year I had to choose how to respond, in real time. No matter the chaos around me, I found myself wrapped in peace, responding from peace and not out of grief. Sometimes my response to life was simply putting the phone on DND all day and sitting with how I felt. God knew even when people did not. I saw my Mama all around me in everything from the sudden presence of Cardinals in my back yard to summer roses blooming randomly in the front. Quiet, uncomfortable decisions were made, and shared with those whom God trusted to keep me safe. When I needed help, it came immediately from those who were safe. When I needed somewhere to go, it was always somewhere with those who I could mark "safe." When I brought my birthday in this year at a last minute dinner I was surrounded by those who can be trusted to keep my heart and my process SAFE. Before Valentine's Day, anyone who was not safe for me or my life space was removed. I know God knew, I feel like my Mama did too.

Too often we take for granted what it means to feel safe and have a safe place among those living around us. Safety provides an atmosphere for peace to flourish in. My prayer for us all this season is that no matter what happens in this world, we recognize, account for, and cherish those spaces we know in our souls are somewhere peaceful as well as somewhere safe. People, Places, Things.

And to anyone struggling in this area, may God bless you so that you also land somewhere SAFE. God did it for me. I trust Him to do nothing less for you.

~#HealingIsAHeartPosture~ Kesh C.